foreword
thinking about this topic is hard enough, but writing about it is even harder. writing about death, specifically suicide without getting a bit depressed and suicidal is like trying to jump without falling. however, I still think this is a topic that doesn't get talked about enough and thus deserves more attention. truth is, we have all been there, so let's take some time to learn what death tells us about life.
however, I have to admit that, for its own sake, I had to be a bit cautious over my feelings I didn't want them to spiral in the wrong directions. so instead of seeing this as encouraging people to die, I decided to take death as a calm awakening that has a lot to teach me about life.
there're songs that I look at the lyrics after listening to them, they're also songs that I read the lyrics before listening to them. no surprises is among the latter. after reading the lyrics, I never get past the connotations of the weight the lyrics have on me. it took a little while for me to overcome my judgement and bias to finally listen to see "what it's actually" about. unbeknownst to my wildest expectations, this song is the opposite of what the lyrics made me feel. it resembles that of a lullaby, a night time story and chant that we often get told before we go to sleep.
a thing that never stops surprising me is how songs with tar black lyrics can sound so calm and peaceful, goodbye kiss by lana del rey and apocalypse by cigarettes after sex, for example. they kill you slowly as you listen to them over and over again.
I no longer do, and I'm happy with my decision.
a handshake of carbon monoxide
all these years studying chemistry, I never noticed how carbon monoxide and oxygen all had the same weight and density. however, the thing about carbon monoxide is they're colorless, tasteless, and odorless*, which symbolizes the lack of meaning that one may be experiencing in life. unlike other methods which cause instant death, carbon monoxide is death waltzing gracefully into every nerve and blood vessel of your brain and body. imagine consciousness slowly dripping and draining from your tank of living waters. that is what it feels like.
I think it is the seemingly harmless things that kill us. in this age of distraction, beeing to dependent devices for work and happiness can feel like walking with blindfolds on, not knowing where you're heading next. I don't know about you, but for me, I want to take care of my mental space, and I have this alarm stuck in time when I return to at the end of the day to reflect and receive closure for whatever happened that day.
pay attention to where you are going because without meaning you might get nowhere - A. A. Milne
legends had it that my first haruki murakami novel did not let me down. while this book has a bunch of imageries, two that stick out the most for me is definitely the wood and the wells in between.
it's weird. in the little prince, the wells represent easter eggs that are scattered across the desert which is devoid of life. however, in norwegian wood, within the forest that is teeming with life, there exists a well that resembles a black hole, its color and depth made of molten night skies being poured down that hole. the wells in the little prince is the yang (light) within the yin (dark), while that of norwegian wood is the yin (dark) within the yang (light). the duality of these imageries probably make me enjoy both books even more.
in retrospect, I think there are no wells in reality, but there are metaphysical wells which are deep within each of us, which is created by losing a loved one to their suicide. when naoko told toru that she felt safe from the wells when he is with him, she is talking about the fear and emptiness that consumes her every time she revisits the past. we all have our own wells, and it is our responsibility to be aware of them and to ask for help instead of trying to figure everything by ourselves.
sufjan stevens is not only a singer and songwriter, he is a poet. he is the first sip of water after a sandstorm. he is the one who knows to play the guitar like a harp.
unlike the two songs above, this one is actually the one that I have strong personal connections and experiences to. I remember listening to this song before going to sleep, my phone on my chest, my eyes closed. for some reason, I held my breath, and for a brief moment all I felt was immense lightness, as if your soul is being detached from this physical body and dissolve into something greater. whether it was real or that my memory made me feel that way, I can tell you it was something.
I think death is a beautiful thing when you can treat it with enough acceptance, closure, and dignity. the same applies to life, really.
and you may want to change your perception and definition about suicide, as it can be more diverse than you think. ending one's life by oneself is not enough. why? depends on why you're doing that. are you doing that out of helplessness? or to protest ideas and influence other to stand up for themselves? up until the point of death, the search for meaning persists.
but for me, the best way to die is to be aware of its presence while not thiking about it too much. pretty counter-intuitive, i know. death will come when it comes, and the best way to prepare for it is by living every day as if that's our last.
carpe diem. seize the day.
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