something very important.

i'd been someone who wanted everything, not in the context of materialism, but in that of knowledge. i wanted to know pretty much everything, every portal on wikipedia, reading a dictionary cover to cover, and i struggled.

until i realized i'm not a learner anymore.

cause i forgot what it is to be a learner.

it was a shame to admit, but a learner doesn't squeeze every bits of knowledge into available time and space, she or he actually enjoys doing it.

for my scheduling and arranging too tightly, from topic A to topic B, i no longer find joy, or the sense of joy that pops up when i learnt something new.

i didn't allow randomness to happen, i kept that at bay. the more i tried keep things organized, the more they seem to shatter to piecies and gradually, as thin as a speck of dust that appeared out of nowhere.

i admit that i can't have everything, and i should let things happen, let things be known to me, in such a way that youtube algorithm works.

however, as one admit that she or he can't have everything, that means that person can learn anything, be anything, and gradually, everything.

the universe didn't choose where to happen, what kind of quark particles to begin with, it just happens. and that's art. whether it's china or america, that didn't matter. it just needs to happen, occur, take place, whatever you come up with.

*

an interesting and less hardcore way to know what you want is not imagining you being dead, but when you age out and finally get to that old age. i roamed around gatenotes long before i even started writing this, and i find something really amazing. an old man, happily sharing with the world his favorite books. how humble it was, considering he being the richest and among those most influential on this earth. i want to be like that when i'm old, not considering wealth, but knowledge and such attitude on life.

let it happen. and embrace it.

1/8/2021.