and nothing can ever ruin this.

you meet at a party.

you're both young, probably late teens.

you both screw other people, but that was all sort of clumsy.

you find excuses to hang out and pretend to be friends.

she has a tiny birthmark on her neck that you notice but don't mention.

you catch yourself thinking about her a little, then a lot, then all the time.

you stop sleeping, and eating, and whatever music you're listening at the time will be so tied to her, but in twenty years, someone will play that song again, and just for a second you remember exactly how you feel now.

and at some point, probably involving alcohol, you're going to take your clothes off together, and now you're really fucked because she's under your skin. you had no idea, you can care about another human this much.

and nothing can ever ruin this.

and anyone who tells you otherwise is an idiot, you're not even 20 yet, but you just met the love of your life, how lucky is that. you're probably neglecting time on your temrs paper, not getting much sleep but that doesn't matter.

you get to know her parents well, and she gets to know yours too, and you've tried every sexual position under the sun. and sex is kinda comforting now, rather than something you think about doing all the time.

you've got big plans, and nothing can ever ruin this.

she shows you new music you probably wouldn't have even gien a shit about before, but somehow you quite like it now. you tell you about your shit and she pretends to care very convincingly, you move in together because, why not?

you stay up late, you drink, you screw, you watch her sleeping in the morning sometimes, and suddenly all that bullshit love poetry they forced in you in your school, begins to make sense.

you don't believe in fate or crap like that, but you begin to understand why some people do. on one day she looks at someone else and smiles, or laughs, and you feel this sort of weird sting in your brain: welcome to jealousy, it's quite natural. you don't mention it because you're not completely insane, she probably feels the same way about you, and that's nice.

you both get jobs, you get stressed, you get tired, you watch a lot of TV toghether, you don't screw so often now but what did you expect?

you talk about getting a dog, she mentions some guys at work who'd been sending her funny emails and you decide to murder him but quickly remember that's illegal.

you start go running in the afternoons, and you notice this girl that's usually this out around the same time. she's kinda pretty but... whatever.

you spend less time together in the evening, you've forgotten what butterflies feel like. you mention this to a guy you know who's been marrried for years and he tells you that's what happens. you can't be loved out forever.

this scares you a little, but it's alright because everything will be fine, and nothing can ruin this.

you're in your 20's now and some of your school friends are becoming architects or doctors and you're... not. you wanted to be a... whatever, but you haven't practiced in years. you start practicing again, or planning to build a business or get a Masters.

she seems throughly unimpressed by the idea. she starts making baby jokes or talking about buying a house, you don't really want the house, or a baby yet, because you're not that thing you wanted to be. and you're already 25 and 30 seems like a very big number that's getting scarily close.

the sex is kinda routine now and you wonder if it's just a chore for her. you still hang out, and it's nice, but you begin to worry that somehting is missing.

the two of you experiment with lingerie and going for elaborate adventures, and that's fun for a while.

you go running some more and you see that girl again in the woods.

there's somehting sort of otherworldly about her. she stops for breaths, so you do too.

you say hello, she's smart, kinda calls you on your bullshit, and you like that. then you carry on running and push her out of your mind, but now you remember what butterflies feel like.

you come home, you cook the same dish you had the night before, and the night before that, you talk about nothing much, she mentions that guy from work wants to meet you and you reply that guy from work can suck a thousand dicks in hell.

you sit in awkward silence for a while, and then you watch some more TV, and some more TV.

and you live like this for another year, and that's fine, and nothing can ever ruin this. ever.

one of you screws someone else or snaps for no reason, or mentions that you should take a break or starts getting distant or stops talking about the future or whatever it is. whether you were the one who broke it off or not, you're never going to wake up with her again or take her clothes off, or have another screaming drunking argument about the EU or if dogs can look up or not.

you go to bed, and suddenly the place smells of her in a way you've never noticed before. music is shit, and food is shit, and everyone is shit however nice they are to you, and you know you've made a terrible mistake.

nothing can ruin this, and now everything is fucking ruined.

you drink a lot of whiskey, you can't seem to sleep for more than a few hours. someone mentions that she's been haging out a lot with whatever his name is, you imagine them screwing briefly then go doing somehting else.

you play a lot of video games, and discover that yes you do acutually still have friends and they've been patiently waiting for you for fucking years now. they listen to your bullshit politely because they've been through breakups too.

they offer some nice little platitudes, plenty of more fish in the sea, etc.

but you don't really believe then because they weren't really in love like you're in love.

no one has been in love like you're in love.

you and her send each other passive-agressive texts, about getting you guitar back now or whatever, and you meet up or swap your stuff over.

it feels good to see her because you're over it now. and she has no power over you whatsoever, and you'll be moving on soon enough.

you screw, and literally a minute later realize what a dumb mistake that was, you carry on screwing for a while, you begin to think about getting back together, she makes a few bullshit digs at you, or you make some at her.

and suddenly you stop thinking about getting it back together.

you argue, you say horrible shit, the kind of stuff you imagine you won't say to your worst enemies. you play some more video games, you drink some more whiskey, you listen to some more Elliot Smith, things are going well with a girl you met on the train, but you can't stomach the thought of sleeping with someone else.

you briefly get into healthy eating, and having walks, and the benefits of keeping porn to a maximum of 17 one hour sessions a day. you keep practicing at that thing you love, you remember what being human actually feels like. someone tells you about a sudden death in their family, and you realize you have absolutely nothing to feel sad about, not really.

over time, people volunteer their own breakup stories and some are far, far worse than yours. and again, you realize you have absolutely nothing to feel sad about, not really, and subtly, so subtly you don't even notice, you become yourself again.

and one day out of nowhere, that girl you met running invites you out and you notice this little birthmark on her shoulder, but you don't mention it, and you stop sleeping, and eating, and whatever music you're listening to at the moment will be so tied to her, that in 20 years, some one will play that song again, and just for a second, you'll remember exactly how you feel now.

music starts to sound good again, food starts to taste good again. god what was all that about before? why were you being such a pussy?

before long, the two of you are haging out every other day, and you can't remember the last time you've felt so alive. is this what you were meant to be doing all along? or may be you're just repeating the same dumb pattern again, but god, it feels incredible.

may be the whole thing is just some stupid gamble but you don't care. you didn't care last time, because right now, you're sure of it, more sure than anything ever, and anyone who tells you other wise is and idiot.

but nothing can ever ruin this, and nothing can ever ruin this, and nothing can ever ruin this, and nothing can ever ruin this, and nothing can ever ruin this, and nothing can ever ruin this, and nothing can ever ruin this, and nothing can ever ruin this.

12/12/2020.