becoming eugene.

a [brief] insight on this post.

for as long as I can remember, I have this weird habit of molding myself into other versions. well, it's actually fun to think of who you might be in the future and selecting what clothes and perfume scent you're gonna wear, what hairstyles you're gonna have, would you have a tattoo or not, et cetera, et cetera.

I think it's okay to name yourself with different names, I do that all the time after dumping the name Mary that I had long long long time ago. nobody knows her, in fact they do, but people who knows her no longer interacts with me that much today.

I named myself Lyss about a year ago, taking inspiration from the end of the f***ing world Alyssa. so as to avoid people coughing out 3 syllables calling my name, I decided to chop down the 2 A's at the end and the beginning, making it down to Lyss.

until recently that I learnt french and once again decided to give myself a name. I chose very thoroughly, but I don't have that kind of mental connection with the name, so I just don't give a damn about it that much (fyi, it was Lucciene, meaning illuminating light).

then long after I hit the name Eugene by whatever mean and feel that connection with it. I know it's weird, I don't even know why, then don't you try to grasp it.

/

since the early days of this blog site, I'd written a post on the 2 versions of myself that I'd noticed. if you're interested, click here.

I'm going to do the same thing now, sitting back and look at the evolution of myself.

meet Mary.

Mary, as I said, was the first English name I'd ever been given at an English teaching center.

it's the first, and also the last name that I'd been given, as other following names are chosen myself.

it fits perfectly for the context of me in the past - I'd always living a life now knowing my potential, not knowing what I can do with my life, as it's picked out by someone else, me of that time lives a life by other people.

not necessarily living by someone's life, but letting the environment change you, rather than changing the environment, I'd say.

you may already know Lyss.

Lyss is who most of my friends, teachers and family members know me as, who I used to be internally and externally. now she's still my sun and rising sign, but no longer my moon sign.

to be fair I'll keep wearing Lyss's cloak until I'm ready to be Eugene.

Lyss is awesome, don't get me wrong. a few months ago this blog is still name after her, but she left for Eugene to emerge.

Lyss would be the kick off stage, for when I start to gather needed skills and stepping out of my comfort zone.

Lyss is being less insecure to be Eugene, as I long believe that one's insecure for not understanding enough.

undertanding may causes pain, but understanding enough don't.

there's no such thing as understanding too much, as too much is another words for having understood but not being able to digest the news.

when one's fully understood what needs to be understood, I'm sure that he, or she, will stop grieving over things.

be patient for Eugene.

Eugene is still under construction, and the day when she's out is not ready to be announced, well I wonder if I really need to announce that.

I'm still on my way becoming Eugene, though failures and inhibitors are inevitable, I'm doing what I can.

the next post is going to give you my expectations for Eugene as well as her appearance and related *things* , stay tuned ^^

22/12/2020.