a few days ago i had this weird dream - my loved one committed sucide.
she was my best friend at this new school, the photographic memory of her falling freely on the top of the building at midnight completely haunt me to this day.
i remember going through our texts, seeing the last message being "i love you" and a website attached about "how to live happily".
the scary thing that kills us ain't that person leaving but the memories we had with them. it gets sad and desperate to see one's passed status on facebook being "last online 1 hour ago" becoming "last online 1 day" ago when you know she never forgets to check social media everyday. then days become months, and months become years...
time passses, we move on, but you forever stays in the yesterday.
today it hits me again when my favorite celebrity passed away. she was covid-19 postive, and all i trust is that till her last breath, she remained positive, bold and confident.
i think about the bed. it's somewhere most of us get on everyday. some for recovery, some get out feeling better the next day, some don't, some never ever get out of that place again.
sometimes, everything suddenly becomes very simple, like it's been all there before and to this day. and all it takes to be grateful including inhaling and exhaling, then have this thought striking you "oh, i'm alive, and therefore, i'm grateful".
not everyday is fruitful, it's a pain in the ass and i'm trying to get used to it.
negative thoughts strike me so often to an extent that i don't even care anymore. sometimes i'm on that autopilot mode where i try to get things done while being damn tired and sleep-deprived.
yeah i want to rest, but life isn't that way all the time, is it?
this may sound like complaining, well in fact it is, but as i poured and expressed all of the shitload of negativity, may be i'll start to feel better.
well i did.
emotions, as i'd learnt, are like information, there is no need to judge them.
if you're sad, then be sad, there's no need to force yourself to being happy.
happiness is not a constant stream, but as i believe, rather running groundwater within your mind and spirit, it's that state of calmness.
breath in, breath out.
don't you know that losing that for 3 minutes and then it's goodbye homo sapiens? savor it, be grateful for good things, as well as not so good things.
that is for now.
"enamel medical chamber pot, window, bedside table, bed. It's hard and uncomfortable to live, but it's comfortable to die. I lie and think: This white bedsheet covered yesterday the person who has come out into another world today. And quietly dripping from the tap. And Life, dishevelled like a prostitute, comes out of a fog and sees a bedside table, a bed ... And I'm trying to get up I want to look into her eyes. I want to look into her eyes and burst into tears and never die."
- boris ryzhy
30/11/2020.
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