hi, I hope that you remember me, I think you do.
well, I don't remember when was the last time I wrote a letter for ya, but I can guarantee that it's been quite long, maybe since I lost faith or got too busy or whatever that I stopped writing letters for you.
but let's just put all that thing aside cause I had faith in you again and I decided to do something, not in the traditional way, but I believe in whatever way I do it, you'll still be able to see it so yeah, here you are.
first off, I just want to thank you for everything, regardless good or bad this year, it's been quite a roller coaster for me and for the world to be honest. um some make it through this year, some don't, some get lag in between. as an unsignificant folk on the planet earth who has been blessed to get through all of this, thank you.
I don't ask for anything much this year, well I do, but I just don't know how to express myself, sorry, but...
when has asking for a toy turned into asking for happiness in this year.
I know it's not possible to get it wrapped up or delivered or, whatsoever, but if you can, please tell me how to be happy, not all the time (obviously), but most of the time.
in the face of negativity in my house (sorry if this sounds like complaining), sometimes I get quite overwhelmed and drowned in all the thoughts.
I used to think that my dad is a pile of shit, but I was wrong, mom guaranteed me that my dad is in fact thousand piles of shit extra, and what I saw was the tip of the iceberg.
I want to make her feel better, but I don't know where to begin (inserting actual footage of me dancing to death with dignity by sufjan stevens)
I don't get so surprised anymore, I'd say I get used to it now thanks to natural selection or biological, mental adaption of us hoomans. well, but it still hurts, in a matter of ways.
I don't know, anger and negative thoughts in our home get dispensed throughout the day more than the meals I ever have. I wonder if it's healthy or not, I think it isn't.
a home is supposed to feel like a home, isn't it? why does it feel like a nazi gas chambers. laugh it off, I'm exaggerating, but sometimes I think I'm not, and it's actually feels like a gas chamber.
I do tell such stories to such people that I love and adore, but sometimes, I still get the feeling that I'm relying on them way too much. I know they're okay with me telling anything, but I don't... at times.
I think you know some special folks who got into my life this year, and I think you know him of whom I can't imagine living without.
may you bless him with all life has to offer, and tells him that I fucking love him. and he shall not feel so forced to please or compensate for me, cause he can help me out, but I have to be the one who kicks my own ass to go and heal my inner self.
let's not worry about all the shit in our life for a moment and grasp the sense of living in the now.
let's grab a cup of coffee and have some existential crisises with me, won't you, Santa?
what is it that makes life worth living in the face of death?
i guess it's love.
or are we just living in a simulation of AI voids and genocide and things?
um.
yeah.
whatever.
what makes life worth living in the face of death?
do things that add value to people? or may be to myself?
well anything that fits, really.
I think I know what I should do for now.
quick shoutout to anyone who doesn't believe in Santa Claus, it's not science, it's rather a matter of choice.
and sometimes, people believe in religions or Santa Claus, so they can have some sense of assurance in this ever-changing world. I believe in you for the sake of mental reinforcement. I need something, I'd say a kind of glue, to hold things in life altogether.
any religion, all started off with love, didn't it?
but after all, if today is my last day, there's really nothing in life to feel sad about, really.
sadness does account for a matter of episodes, but most seasons were joy and achievement, I won't let those pile of shit put me off.
talking of me, um, I'd been a dickhead at times too.
I made my mom sad and putting off promises with my sisters since I don't feel like doing something I promised before.
I take dad and schools, and things as an excuse for my tiredness and why I upset people.
at the end, dad is still shit, but as Thich Nhat Hanh says, it goes "we have to change our father within us first, and the other things are up to them"
let's just adapt that mindset and see how it goes. I hope it goes for the better.
last words from me to me whenever I'm sad again - there's nothing to feel sad about as a whole. love stills exist and life goes on.
I'll just stir the soup up before sipping to avoid engulfing shitty flavor in exceeded condition of drinking.
I think the most valuable gift had been given to me 15 years, 2 months and 25 days ago.
it's not you but Mom who gave it to me. I gotta cherish it.
If they're anything I believe in in this impermanent world, I'd say love and time.
time teaches lessons, which can both heal and hurt, while love heals, and it feels good, you know.
sadness, at the end of the day, isn't bad at all, at least it helped me understanding lyrics from my beloved Sufjan Stevens.
and as I contemplate, I believe that the origin of anguish and suffering all stems from, all puts down to not understanding the nature of it, or knowing, but not compromising, not changing the attitude towards life.
in such time that physical adaptions aren't enough, evolution now asks for mental preparation and inner strength.
I don't know where I'm heading to, but I'd say if I keep this mindset, wherever I flow to, will always be the right direction.
I'm grateful for winning the lottery of evolution to poss such a beautiful mind, or as it goes for psychologists - the cognitive system.
once again, thank you for everything.
woah that was pretty long, thanks for putting up with me going A to something not B but depressing metaphysics field via alpha rays or geothermal heat whatever. I hope that you don't stress your brain out after reading all this thing.
at the end, I wrote this for the sake of mental reinforcement and as an excuse to get to talk to you after a loooooong time.
cheers, I'm kinda drunk, existential crisis is too strong to be an alcohol.
12/12/2020.
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