it was 2/2/2021, the first day of the city's re-lockdown.
we're in quarrantine, or staying at home for our and the whole community's safety. but I doubt whether staying at home as safer than actually going to school and get the virus
of course staying at home would be safer for me physically, but probably not mentally
the teams's message pops up, my favorite teacher posts instruction notes for our lesson.
10 minutes into the chat, and his voice really came down to me
I explained that I was studying, the basic right of all human being
his voice went shut as he gets to me, then went back times louder than before, harrassing me verbally with worst words of a beautiful language - Vietnamese
he then kicked me, once, twice, or so many that I'd lost count, claiming that he paid the tuition and that just do what he said other than studying
I tried my best not to burst into tears, but the word tuition, in someway, hits me like a brick
cause that's my weakness
cause that's the reason why my parents can't divorce, cause I'm economically dependent on him
I hate being weak, at times I wish I can make money by myself, and be something more than just a pile of booksmart
I know making money ain't any easy thing, but money, sometimes isn't enough for me, I need mental support and help too, I'm more than just a cattle he fed and pushed into that gold-coated gate named international school that other yearned for, or been envious of me. however, they never knew the cost of that thing
at times, I want to shout at the top of my lungs that I hate capitalism and education should be free, but soon brush the dream away, as I gently brush off the dusk of any old book's cover, tapping it before I start reading
but it's life, and ca rien n'est gratuit dans la vie
my microphone is on mute, so no one can hear the sound of domestic abuse, or what I'd been facing, what'd ruined my mental health for long ever since.
my microphone is on mute, but I can still hear the voice of my teacher rising, as magma rise through gaps of the crust, forming new land up above.
my microphone is on mute, my earphone is on max volume, but his voice, though however hoarse and clear, can't block out the sound and the pain in the background that he caused.
I can hear him saying, but I don't want to hear, so I chose not to process words of harrassment.
and it happens to me is that, you can't choose what to happen to you, but how to react to it.
maybe I'm nothing more than a useless booksmart dick, but I'll use that to my own advantage.
maybe I'm not enough for him, but I AM AND WILL ALWAYS BE ENOUGH FOR ME.
maybe I'm far from being an all-rounded person that excel academically and practically in the game of life, or successful, or happy, or whatever he yearns for.
and I realized that.
every person I met in life, is an embodiment of something.
thanks for being my boyfriend, the embodiment of love, and how love can be so amazing if met the right person and work on it every day.
thanks for being my mom, the embodiment of life, who never teaches me and gives me a test, but test me then make me learn it, swallow it, through bitter, but she knows one day it will turn sweet.
thanks for being my dad, the embodiment of society, of what totally off the track of my life or whoever I'll be, of bending me into that direction. thanks for being the one putting out the fire in me faster than anyone can do. but heh, I evolved and developed some water resistant fire so get out of my life, thanks.
thanks for being my teacher, my geography teacher to be precise, the embodiment of deadlines, and of work, in life. he who believes that hard work pays off, and pain is neccesary at times to taste the sweetness of accomplishment.
thanks for being myself, the embodiment of me, for overcoming adversities that are inaudible and therefore thought nonsense by many, but I'm swimming in my own ocean. I did drown at times, but to drown, is to get up, and try again.
god had that to me is that, I gave you adversities to be special, cause not everyone, can see beauty through the hardships of life, and turning it into something beautiful, though at first it was all dust and dawn.
hey dear, no need to cry, you're still alive, and things that don't matter to your life or death, doesn't deserve any attention or the cost of calmness in the mind.
life had it to me is that "you're gonna be happy,", said life, "but first I'll make you strong"
I don't forgive him or shit, I just basically give no fuck anymore, doesn't deserve my attention.
and god, I don't wish to sustain no pain, but to overcome it. and on that day when I turn eighteen, receive that letter from my university, I wish you let him, and all his relatives there, keep them shut and don't disturb me.
I wish that my loved mom and sister are fine, and to get through the existential hell that dad brings to us.
shafts of light still linger and come around my room, it's still a good day.
anything that can ruin your day is only your attitude.
peace.
2/2/2021.
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