4th April, 2022
Yesterday, I had a chance to step into the world of adults. A sample of three people, my mom, my aunt, and my uncle. We were visiting our sick grandpa, and also the cementery to see the models for his resting place. It was a short trip, but I think it helped me understand a lot more about adults, life, death, and so on.
1. Inequalities exist beyond death
The Internet often have memes showing how rich and poor people are all going to die equally. However, I think inequalities start before you were born and don't end when you're dead. At the cementery where I had a chance to visit, some people have very big burial sites that span over five or six other "standard sized" tombs. Every detail of their resting places are made out of granite, some even have ceiling painted with blue hues and some birds. Meanwhile, some of them are burried out in the open, without a headstone.
From what I learnt in history, inequalities in the past contribute to more inequalities in the present. However, in this modern society, we have the opportunities to change that. Changing things takes time, you can't expect the UN to change thousand years of human history just by signing a single resolution. You change you, and spread that positive energy around your local communities, and hopefully the world.
2. What it means to be mentally mature
There is a reason why the first song in this Plum Village playlist is named Understanding and Loving. When you understand people, you can start practicing compassion to them, and learn to love them. Alas, most of us fail to know where to change. We need to change ourselves first, then parents within ourselves. Eventually, whether they change or not in reality won't really matter to us at all.
It's a simple wisdom but took me many years to fully grasp it. I usually have conflicts with my parents on a shit ton of things, but when I see them struggle to deal with my grandparents, I can tell that we're on the same boat. We went to our grandparents' house with an exhilarating atmosphere, but went home with our heavy hearts. I caught my uncle wiping his tears implicitly, then quickly puts up a smile seconds later. That moment, I understand two things. First, what he meant by saying he's "mistreating himself" and second, how is life is not as good as I think. At that time, I couldn't make sense of why he's crying. Was it because our grandpa is dying, and he regrets what he could have done for him? Or is it his mental wounds from the past?
When I got on the car and suffer non-stop for two hours of adults complaning about their lives, I start to understand. It was the pressure that my older uncle was putting on three of them. Back to the theme on inequalities, out of 5 descendants of my grandparents, the older uncle was the most prosperous one. My oldest aunt lived with my grandparents, so it spares to only three of us. In the eye of society, they're having a good life inside of the mould. Getting a job, engaging, and so on. I think none of them have any successful marriages. There're only the ones that suck a little and the ones that sucks a lot. Their job was for the sheer sake of survival, with my older aunt not having a stable job amid this pandemic, and a shitty husband to withstand. When my older aunt got home that night, she ate instant noodles. Please note that she overworked and hadn't had any proper meal during that day.
What's most intersting is how they use stories of their lives to persuade you that marriage is a hell and a job is well how you make money. I don't judge them since I understand where their perspectives come from. Nowsaday, I have a chance to receive a decent education and despite still occasionally hearing shitty words from my parents, it was much less worse from what the preceding generation had to push through. Although there're inevitable things in life, I am aware how they describe their lives in such passive terms, like "I was made to suffer because of X." They chose to marry that person, and now they're suffering. I can't judge and won't judge. The society was probably not as open as now that time, and what they did was what they judged to be sensible to do.
Maturing is not about getting social status, but understanding that the world is not all black and white like the Yin Yang symbol. It's grey. They only drew they symbol with clear boundaries because who would understand if you show them a grey circle.
3. People pleasing
My mom usually categorize me as people who only care about themselves, and my sister as thoughtful and understanding people. Out of the five (three adults, me and my sister) on the car, I'm also the only one that chose not to small talk. People pleasing can be mentally detrimental and physically draining. Remember what my uncle meant by mistreating himself? I get it now.
They shook it off for keeping a diary, and talked confidently of how they keep their lives private on social media. I remembered how my mom pointed and winked at me when my uncle says he doesn't journal because he finds that nonsense. It's a matter of perspectives. May be they didn't have much privacy and time to do that. I keep a diary and a blog because that's how I connect with myself.
Being successful and happy shares a common ground being self wisdom. When you know what you want and what you don't want, you will get through life easier, you won't chase after other people's lives. I found it a pity how their lives could have been better, if they kept a diary successfully. They wouldn't be here complaining like now.
Know thyself.
Thanks Socrates, I really needed that today.
Comments