I have this ritual of giving myself new names as my older selves are dead. From my own experience, I'm more than obssessed with names that starts with A and D. Adèle, Alyssa, Adelaïde, Dua, I could go on forever.
There're something about those women that makes them so metaphysicall attractive: it was never something about their appearances or clothes they wear. It’s about their bitchy energy, the way the look at you, the sweet and the poisonous drops that even girls and women find attractive to. They’re Adèle Castillon, Alyssa from TEOTFW, Adelaïde from Therapie Taxi and Dua Lipa. There’s something soft and hard within those names. It isn’t something like names that start with B or E. It’s hard to decipher, you just have to feel for yourself.
I could have taken those names above but I feel like creating something for me, myself, and I only. So I came up with Dea. Dea from iDea.
I’m so fucking sick of playing Beta, of trying to be smaller so you could fit in some mold that society had made for me. I’m also tired of waiting for Prince Charming to rescue me, a damsel in distress, and give her a happily-ever-after life. As my favorite teacher had it, don’t wait for bikes to move out and create a clear line where you can walk in. Just fucking get started. That’s how you do. And improve.
I hope that one day I can wake up and feel like I’m exactly the person that I’d wanted to be for so long. Don’t place hope in people because they’re gonna upset you at the end. Place trust in yourself and you’ll never ever let your damn self down.
At the end of the day everyone is gonna leave. From that ex that told you they’re gonna love you till the end of his life. Maybe I have trust issues, or maybe that’s how life is. Strong people don’t just spawn out of nowhere, they’re made.
Sometimes wild flowers have the toughest roots because they’d been through so many fucking things. When they were nice to people but people weren’t nice to them. They’re forced and made to be strong. Although this is a matter of the future, I still hope that there’ll be a real gentleman who helps me continue healing all the pain that he didn’t cause, to help me put all that armor donw, and just be softer, safer, more natural under my own skin.
But we’re not sure if he’ll ever come so I’ll be my bestie and my own therapist for now. I’m gonna slam the door to the world for a while because I’m so damn tired.
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