What I learned in my healing journey

Like anything in life, breakup is as hard as you want it to be. For my story, I cried shamelessly for five days and started healing on the sixth day. It was not easy, but not impossible. I was amazed of the opportunities that it brought to me. Admittedly, it was the best thing that ever happened to me since. I put off reading for weeks before that heartbreak, only to find myself finishing 3 books within 2 weeks. I read The Little Prince, Siddhartha, and The Alchemist, which are very spiritually demanding imo. They're books that you don't get it on the first go, but turned out to be your best trio whenever you're over big changes in your life.

What did I learn then? A lot. That's why I'm sharing it to you all today!

Choose yourself

My past 2 relationships (unrequited and requited love) taught me this. Before I was elected as a Head Girl few days ago, I faced distractions that constantly lured me off my path. Going to LHP or AIS? Taking AP or IB? Australia or USA? All kind of stuff.

They no longer bother me now, but I still remember how I saw them as big deals back then.

Choosing yourself doesn't just happen when you're about to make the big moves, they exist in your daily life. To work out or to sleep in. To do things that actually raise your self worth or to solely dream about your crush. When you learn to protect your energy and put your happiness a priority, you'll start to attract healthy relationships.

The right person is timeless

There're no such things as right person at the wrong time, since the right person is timeless. This doesn't mean that they're perfect or anything, but the whole part in them chose the whole part in you, and they wanted to grow together with you. Although Siddhartha dealt with the theme in a slightly different way, he learnt that there was no time. Everything is constantly changing, and the only thing standing between you and your happiness is your spiritual enlightment.

Growth mindset

The single most important factor that's gonna decide how fast you're going to heal is your mindset. I couldn't make it in the first few days because I didn't live mindfully then. Surfing over r/breakups is definitely not a healthy way to do it. I think we're really bad at dealing with breakups. When we lack the knowledge, we can't give it to other people, and humanity just keeps dwelling in the mess that it created. For me, I listened to this dharma talk from Plum Village, which helped soothing my pain instead of adding salt into it. I think you should give it a try.

It's important to keep a growth mindset before, during, and after your break up. I had this toxic mindset of thinking about love as piece of paper that gets worse after every relationship. It doesn't have to be so! We can heal and we will be whole again. Keeping such mindset do no good to you and your healing journey, so get rid of it.

Loneliness and Grounding

There is a report that says breaking up is like withdrawing from drugs. It makes sense, since certain hormones and neurotransmitters are released when you're with that person. Now that they're gone, all the butterflies are gone too. And we feel like a lonely pile of shit in return. Our feelings are valid, and we're allowed to feel so. Although I'm no professional myself, I think that depression and suicidal thoughts come when you detach yourself from the world that you're living in. When you choose to believe that your life does not matter and that you're alone, such thoughts kick in.

I'll leave that up to you now, but before continuing your sad nigga hours, hear me out: You're more connected than you think! Try grounding. Just sit and talk to the Earth, clouds and stars, because we'll all get sick of humans at times. After doing so many times, you can see how you're relevant and connected to the earth, and that you're whole.

A few days ago, when I was frying an egg, I received some spiritual messages. The yolk broke into the shape of the heart, then curved itself into a wider circle than before. Love is around, and romantic love isn't the only thing in your life. Fall in love more with life, see beauty at the ugliest places. It's an art. And those who master that art never get old.

How to love

Buddhism taught me that true love must consist of 4 elements: Tu, Bi, Hy, and Xa.

Tu (kindness) is the ability to generate joy to you and your loved one. This means that your apprearance is refreshing instead of being an emotional burden to them.
Bi (compassion) is the ability to listen and understand your and your loved one's sufferings. This is not as easy as it sounds since one must master transforming his or her energy and have enough mental capacity to help the other person. Otherwise, both of you will drown in your quicksand of emotions.
Hy (forgiving) is the ability to forgive others' shortcomings. In order to achieve this, giving advices must go hand in hand with compassion so that he / she understands that what you say is honest and sincere.
Xa (space) is the ability to take some time away from your loved one. Love is not everything, it's only a part of life. When both individuals in a relationship can spend time alone without any problem, it's a healthy relationship.

Soulmates

When the mind falls in love, it's temporary.

When the heart falls in love, it lasts a lifetime.

When the soul falls in love, it's eternal.

No need to rush, Eugene. He shall come.

We accept the love we think we deserve

A bit off topic but I just finished watching The Perks of Being A Wallflower today and it's the best coming-of-age movie I've ever seen. A reason why it's so good is probably how it's so relatable to me and the life I'm living: I relate to Charlie on many levels.

The movie itself has many themes but the most evident one must be choices of partners in a romantic relationship. Sometimes nice people choose the wrong one because they have wrong ideas about how much they're actually worthy of love. I used to be one too, and I learned so much from it.

On gratitude

I like to think about gratitude as a game where you're trying to think of as many things that could be gone in the future so that you can enjoy them now. It gets easier as you practice it. I'm grateful for my electricity going ok instead of having a power cut in midnight like a few months ago. I'm grateful for affordable Vietnamese food that probably would barely exist when I'm studying abroad in the future. I'm grateful for the friends I'm having, my future friends are capable of being cool to but what if I couldn't make friends then. I'm grateful for having a roof over my head and fresh water coming out of magic taps, and so on.

But being grateful doesn't mean that you have to be happy all the time. That's toxic positivity. There're always gonna be moments when you feel sheer pain and nothing else but pain. Just acknowledge it, and don't try to push it away. Believe me, it leaves eventually, with a bit of time a patience.

A recap

I've been trying to change my needs to fit with people during my first two relationships, and it never works. It's always a bit forced unnatural, and it was always coming from my side and not theirs. The break up made no sense to me at first, but as time goes by, I start to understand the message that the universe wasgiving to me. He wanted me to end things quickly and neatly as possible, to make room for another more amazing person to come.

I recognize that person now, but it'll take a lot of work to get there with him. But I think that's the fun of it. At least he made me feel excited to go to school every day instead of being afraid like before.

“Love never keeps a man from pursuing his destiny.”

After all, I choose to believe in the timing of my life.

Maktub.