In case you dunno, this is my third Wix website and my fourth blogsite. In one of them, I used to have this article where I compare Lyss and Lian (I learnt Chinese back then oui oui.) In theory, Lyss was the badass one and Lian was the more peaceful one that I rarely let out.
Eugene and Lyss are different. Although I gave birth to Eugene on the mind that she's going to be a better me, I feel like the Eugene that I'd become had dedicated her life for others more than she'd done for herself. Lyss is selfish, but at least she has self-love. Eugene is way way way selfless and that hurts her in the long run.
So who am I now? A mix of both, probably. My goal remains being a better Eugene one day, but not the Eugene that we're seeing now. She will have to love herself before she loves others.
Independent lovers
I was sitting on the bus this evening and this phrase struck me. It was an Instagram page with non-cringe posts about self-love and all that jazz. I remembered that I used to scroll on the page for ages to read its heavenly quotes and to reassure myself that it's going to be okay dear. And then the page got hacked or something. The gap between the two most recent posts are far away and old posts are still in the feed as you scroll.
Independent lovers were the main ingredient for my mindset and my blogs back then. Heck yeah, I didn't love anyone so I only write blogs for myself. Then I met my boyfriend and write blogs for me and them, and until some point I used blog as a tool to loathe and complain and all that shit was so annoying to recall. I lost myself.
I somehow stopped being this carefree and present version of myself in exchange for a panic person who clang to her boyfriend because she loved him. And her fear for losing him made him left before any real, major, surprising disaster had a chance to harm him.
We both made mistakes in the past relationship. And I don't know if we're getting back together (probably not because he gave me a solid NO and I'm still hurt till this date) but I think this break up was still better than lingering. It was a real wake up call for me to act up.
Mass media, music, minimalism
I used to blame social media a lot for my mental health. However, to be fair, it did help me a great deal in finding back myself. Yes, it did make me compare to other folks and feel helpless about it, but I'm over it now. Social media, if used correctly, can be a tool for self-expression, and that's important. Freedom to express yourself helps you feel good about yourself and understand who you are.
Music is like inspiration. You can't listen to a song repeatedly over weeks and months, I usually get bored of a song after 2 months as most (shoutout to VIDEOCLUB.) Other normal songs will be well off after 1 or 2 weeks.
I hate running out of music to listen, and I usually listen to the crappiest of music just because it's new and it sounds good. However, as I reasoned it now, humans' brains are just so plastic and they get impacted by fiction more than non-fiction. Before teaching a man about gravity, you should create some form of God and ask him to obey God: dO nOt JuMp OuTtA tHe WinDoW. Mindfulness is present in the smallest of things: the food you eat, what you do after you wake up, the music you listen to, to touch or not to touch your face.
I'd been mass cleaning my life lately by deleting apps over and over again. Being a minimalist is not as hard as you think. Just delete everything and implement the bits that you think you need in the future. That thing can stay or not stay. I had a hard time with games but after too many burnout and negative experiences that it brought, I'd decided to say goodbye, and find other stuff to replace it. I did stress out about how many photos I had, so I deleted all of them. I was remorseful at times but the relief was greater than the regret.
However, when you are too obsessed with cleaning, you can get rid of the core things in your life as well. I rarely read books or write blogs now. I don't listen to certain artists anymore. I stopped being myself. However, you can't really know who you are until the things that make you you were gone. So I'll take it with a grain of salt. You learn from both good and bad experiences.
It's gonna get harder and harder to be happy
The rule remains simple, but the level is elevated now. Our family doesn't have a housekeeper like we used to in the past. The school that I'm attending is expensive and place financial stress on my parents. Making friends is harder now. I'm still not used to some culture in this international school. Teachers are nicer but some of them remains shitty (shoutout to Psychology teacher.) In return, there are more chores to do, more hardships with parents to cope with, more loneliness, more academic pressure, et cetera.
Although I loved Lyss a lot (I still do) I must admit Eugene is the more refined and less coarse, or hoarse to others and to life. She looks at life in a gentler way. She's more loving and open-minded than the conservative yet passionate Lyss.
My two girls, I wish you happiness and health. At the end of the day, happiness gets simpler as our lives get harder. Like chromosomes in mitosis, we all have to supercoil and decondense at times. Supercoil to see what matters and what doesn't, decondense to vibe and enjoy life. They're as essential and complementary as the head and the tail of the coin, so don't judge them.
And when Siddhartha was listening attentively to this river, this song of a thousand voices, when he neither listened to the suffering nor the laughter, when he did not tie his soul to any particular voice and submerged his self into it, but when he heard them all, perceived the whole, the oneness, then the great song of the thousand voices consisted of a single word, which was Om: the perfection.
The truth is, my friend, I'm going to embark on a new spiritual journey with myself soon. I'd visited The Little Prince, but I still have to meet the Alchemist, Siddhartha and Vesudeva as well.
The beauty of the desert and journey lays in part that you never know how far you'll go.
So enjoy your journey.
6/5/2022
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