7th April, 2022
Like my name, different flowers followed me through different courses of my character development. As your mindset change, the way you see things get overwhelmingly different. So stay tune, as I'll drop in details of my life one flower at a time.
Lily / Mary
To be honest, I don't find it attractive anymore, but it was among the very first ones so I thought I would include it anyways. Lily and Mary exist around 2018. You could say she was a premature case. I don't find much value or passion in them. However, they're the foundation that I had to break in order to become me of today. Everything changed forever when I signed up for that English competition.
The way I navigate through the world that time was ridiculously based on rankings. What's your favorite country? Well I guess I will have to check its environmentally friendly and GINI coefficient index, as well as its GDP per capita. And that country should also be a tax haven. And if any country make into that list I'm also going to read Quoras on bad things about it. The same goes for how I chose Lily, I went through some posts about symoblic meaning of flowers and chose the one I like the best. No chemistry at all. In retrospect, if there is a phrase that can sum up all those year, it would be confirmation bias and echo chamber.
Mary is the first name I ever got, and it was not a name I chose myself. One of the teachers in my very first English teaching center gave me that name, and I was okay with it. I used it for a long period of time without even questioning it. It was until I got sick of being made fun of dumb things that kids with the name Mary do in Cambridge tests that I thought of changing my name. Nonetheless, it was only an intention. I didn't really have any motivation or inspiration to change.
Succulent / Alyssa
Or Lyss. She's from the end of the fucking world (the only Netflix series I watched till this date.) She's symbolic of frenzied love, daydreams, and passion, of course. My first two serious loves were tied to the Alyssa identity and Da Lat.
Now the flower. Do succulents count as flowers? I think they do. Again, it was my math teacher's favorite flower. I loved the symbolism and chose it, but didn't really have any strong spiritual meaning tied to it. It's austere and look forced. Although at this time, I withstanded major changes within myself, just as succulents suck up nutrients from the earth with its roots, I couldn't do it naturally. With that being said, I was still stuck in the trap of motivation, I still envy when I see people more successful than me, and I still have distractions, things that add no value to my life on my boat.
Succulents exist around 2019 and 2020. Alyssa is the identity I'm still carrying, people still know me as Lyss, only those closer to me know me as Eugene. I'll probably refresh it anytime soon as I head for college.
Man, I love new things. New names, new flowers, new stages in my character development.
Bougainvillea / Eugene
I was learning French, so I found myself a French name. I sifted through lists of "names for you babies" websites as a wise mom finding names for her kids (in this case myself, I am my own mom) and no name really snaps with me. I gave in and accepted a pretty mediocre name (in my opinion) Lucienne, which means light. Then Disney helped me - Rapunzel's boyfriend's name was Eugene, and it clicks with me immediately. Voilà! I adapted my identity as Eugene. Only a few people know her, she's scarce, and beautiful, natural, everything I ever wanted. I don't think I'm going to change this name anytime soon, as I'm very pleased with it. I liked it even more when my favorite artist, Sufjan Stevens, had a whole song about my name (Eugene was a city in Oregon). God, I was filled with pride.
Bougainvillea, or as Vietnamese people call it, paper flower. Don't let the pink shade trick you, they're not her petals, but her leaves. The actual flower is the white dots that you saw. Bougainvillea changes color as the acidity of the soil changes, pretty much like hydrangeas. Just like Eugene, she had a whole song dedicated to her from my favorite artist.
When I got my own space, my own appartment, or my own house, I will definitely grow her, and look at her when the sun visits her. Bougainvillea are born for the sun, they're born to shine, to glow, and to seduce the poet within myself. I can't get enough of her beauty.
? / Sunflowers
Sunflower was the only flower that I came from hate to love. My two masters of life, Vincent van Gogh and Thich Nhat Hanh, were very fond of sunflowers. One drew over 12 paintings for the flower, one held it in an old photograph.
Yet it was the particular features and character of the sunflower that attracted Van Gogh to it. “It’s the vibrant color that he liked, but it’s also the form,” Bakker said. “The sunflower is a very strong and sturdy plant. It’s not elegant and refined. He called it the ‘rustic sunflower.’ It has the roughness and unpolishedness of the real countryside, and that’s what he felt strongly about.” Artsy
The reason why I hated sunflowers was rather simple. They look gorgeous when they bloom, but just ugly when they start to wilt. However, we can take that as life, enjoy it when it lasts. Sunflowers are the flowers of gratitude. Although van Gogh and Thich Nhat Hanh lived very different lives, one was plagued with mental health problems, then shot himself (or got shot) while one lived and died in peace. However, I sincerely believe that they had the same message for the world. They all love sunflowers, and they all hope to make life beautiful for anyone who happens to exist on Earth.
I guess sunflowers (together with bougainvillea) will be my favorite flower from now on. About the name, we'll have to wait. I could be nature-related, or a name of a language that I happen to learn in the future. Who knows? But the beautiful thing about every journey is the secrets and mysteries that they hold within themselves.
Man cannot discover new oceans unless he had the courage to lose sight of the shore.
If there is anything I can say about my journey, André Gide had said it for me. Among the world full of choices, I chose me.
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