2nd April, 2022
It'd been a long time since I last wrote a proper Wix blog. After finding Notion, I abandoned Wix and only used it for working purposes. Then guess what? Eventually, I abandoned Notion. While I still keep a diary, I don't write it too often and often find myself less connected to me and my gut feelings. I'd been through peaks and troughs in my journey, and now I want to share it somewhere. I don't care if anyone reads it or not, this place is going to be dedicated to me, myself, and I. So long as I enjoy it, I don't care if the world ends tomorrow or aliens invade all of us.
1. I longed for a sense of connection.
You see, I have a good relationship, and my grades are going okay to say the least. I am fed and have a roof over my head. I am doing pretty decently. But deep down, I feel hollow as fuck. On the last day before term break I even got a promotion, but it takes me only 1 day to have a mental and physical breakdown. I cried the fuck out of me, then I stand up again, dust myself off, and figure out what had gone wrong.
There are two kinds of torture, the first one being quick, big, easy to detect and the other being gradual vibrations that you can only realize with attention. The latter is undoubtedly more ominous, if you keeps ignoring the signals, life will only slaps you harder. When you grow limb to the slaps, you find yourself dead inside without knowing. I made myself suffer with the latter, and it was not something proud for me to tell.
I skipped rituals, I overworked because I wanted everything to be done now, on the spot. I put academic pressure on myself, I gave myself no breaks, I forced myself to always feel upbeat and happy. My boyfriend got busy, my family got shitty, chores kept piling up. In the end, it takes a single beep of the washing machine for me to burst into tears and collapse.
2. I wanted to slow down.
While the factors listed above are both external and internal, it's my fault for not having taken care of myself properly. We only have control on ourselves. After every collapse, I started to listen to mindful songs again, give myself breaks again, and then abandon it few days later cause fuck yeah who needs it. Then that vicious cycle kept happening.
Mindful living is a broad concept, but generally
Learning to accept your productivity
Accept that work will keep emerging and it's okay to not finish everything on your to do list
Stop when the time comes, not when the tasks end
Have morning and night rituals
Be realisitc with what can be done in a day
A thing that I have to make myself learn for once and for good is I will never get everything done. Look how long I'd been stressing myself with it. I always told myself that "C'on it's just a lil bit more you can handle that." and skipped dates with myself that I could have been happy there, in the now.
Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.
Thanks Lao Tzu, I really needed that today.
3. I want to keep myself busy.
Well hopefully not with work, but with what makes myself genuinely happy. If successful couples have anything in common, that's probably how they can be happy on their own, without the other individual by their side. We had a long way to go together, and I'm trying to fend for myself for the sake of us. He probably can't give me as much as others can, but it's to the best of his ability and time.
My teenage years aren't going to be ther years of my life, and I accept that.
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